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The most difficult thing about being a PM is having a plan that reflects reality. In order to get that you need honesty from your devs. To gain their trust you need to not be a dick. It’s that simple.

Here is a quick guide about how to not be a dick as a PM.

Your planning tool should not be used as efficiency appraisal tool

The problem with date deadlines is that they can be directly connected with whether someone is good at their job. If you tell me that something will be done in 10 days and it’s actually done in 20 days, then I have a measurable way of saying “your efficiency is at 50%”. 

The moment you do that, it’s over. Devs will just tell you what you want to hear. 

This is what I like about Story Points. It’s a way for me to say “I am a Product Manager, my job is to manage the product and plan things, not to decide whether you are good at your job”.  I need to do planning, just tell me in oranges how long it will take you to do something. All I need is 

• How many oranges it will take to finish this work item
• How many oranges you can output per block of time. 

Essentially, I am obfuscating the precious data that I have about your efficiency. Why? Because the moment devs realise that I can use this data to decide their promotions and raises and what not they will change their input to cover their asses and I will not be able to do my job. When they ask me whether the devs are good my response is “that’s not my job, now fuck off”. 

I am here to plan, NOT to ascertain whether you are good at your job.  That’s someone else’s problem. 

Deadlines are not the dev’s problem

“I don’t care about deadlines, but seriously how long it will take you to do something”. Facepalm. 

Okay, from the top: We PMs do care about deadlines. That’s what I am paid to do. However, deadlines are not the dev’s problem. They are my problem. 

The moment I am asking you “I need to get this done, by then”, I have fixed both the time and the scope of the question. Some people call that planning, I call it making my problems the devs’ problems. And being a dick. 

I consciously don’t tell devs about my deadlines. I just ask them how long it will take to do something. In oranges. Because, I don’t want devs to tell me what I want to hear. I want honesty and a plan that reflects reality. Based on what they tell me, then I will make my plan. Worrying about deadlines it’s not the devs job, it’s my job, so in theory they don’t even need to know about deadlines. 

Writing code is not a deterministic task

I write it like that, because the “embrace uncertainty” trope is so overused that it has become a platitude.

Listen up and keep notes: Devs don’t really know how long it will take to do something. If writing code was a deterministic and we knew exactly how long it would take, we would have had state machines to do the job. But we are not there yet, we are stuck with people, so buckle up.

Asking a dev exactly how long it will take something, is a one way ticket to getting bloated estimates. And being a shitty PM. This is why I like Fibonacci estimates. It has embedded in their design that we don’t really know everything. Some things will take longer, others will take shorter. And that’s fine.

If you cannot communicate uncertainty as a PM and manage expectations to the higher ups, then you are a shitty PM. And a dick. 

Your fancy methodologies are probably shit 

Look at this diagram. Just look at it

What the hell is? I have lost count about the things that I have read about “how to deliver software”. They are all fluffy waste, designed to make people look smart in interviews. Then happy PMs get to their teams after having read the a blog post titled “here is the latest trend in product managing” and bloat them with tons of terminology that no one understands or gives a fuck. 

Listen up and keep notes: 

“Are you confident that you will get everything right on the first try? If not, take that into account in your planning”

There. Done. That’s all there is to it. Waterfall, lean, agile, scrum , FLOW or whatever the fuck people call their process these days. Just throw it out of the window. And here is a thought: How about you form the process with your team? I usually tell my interviews “if there was a silver bullet to get everything right, I would have been replaced by an AI by now.”. Maybe this will happen one day, maybe it won’t, but for now here we are having to work with other people, so maybe we should take them into account. 

You don’t look smart by impressing everyone with words. You look smart when you deliver software. So focus on the things that matter. 

Your optimistic plan doesn’t make people work faster

“I am being optimistic in my plans and this will make people work harder”. Yeah, right…, that’s why 90% of the projects finish late. It’s a simple strategy really.

• You tell the higher-ups what they want to hear for 5 months
• When the project eventually gets delayed you only appear to be wrong for 1 day when you report the delay and ask for a new deadline.
• You tell the higher-ups what they want to hear for 5 months
• Repeat…

You can cover you ass with that method. But you will also be a dick. If you think everything will go well, then you don’t need me. I am too expensive for that. Just hire a university student or a floating temp. They will give you the BESTEST news and they will do it with a better smile.

As a PM your job is not to assume the best nor the worse. Is to make a fucking plan that reflects reality. Plans don’t change how people work. It’s the other way around. The fact that I put a nice estimate in writing on a powerpoint doesn’t make it true. That’s how Santa Claus work. And that’s easy which is why Santa Claus doesn’t get paid. But you do, so just get your job done properly.

If there is no mutual trust, then you are a shitty PM

The quintessence of being a good PM is having the trust of your devs and you trusting them. However, you are the one that has to start this cycle of trust. Not the devs. Why? 

• A dev’s job is to write good code and there is no need for mutual trust to get this done. 
• Mutual trust is needed however, to deliver a good product and guess who’s getting paid to get this done. 

Don’t get me wrong, some devs are also dicks. And difficult to work with. I am not saying that lack of trust is always the PMs fault. I am saying that it’s your responsibility to fix it. 

So, don’t ask them every day about how things are going. Just trust them. And, yeah, you will have some bad weeks and some shitty milestones. We all had them. Just operate on the basis that no one is getting out of bed every morning to consciously make your life miserable and you will be surprised by the common ground you will find. 

Let me be clear: Mutual trust is not translated into a democracy. In democracy we all worry about the same things as citizens and we have an equal voice. Nope, that’s not how dev teams are being run. I will worry about my problems, you will worry about yours and we will trust each other that we will get the job done.

See you next time!

Recently, despite the lockdown many churches in my country decided to perform the Easter ceremonies. All around the world one of the institutions that has been most stubborn in accepting the lockdown has been the religious ones. 

• In France a priest apologised after after officials confirmed that around 2,500 of his parishioners have contracted coronavirus. At least 17 have died.
• In Virginia, an evangelical pastor died of COVID-19 just weeks after proudly showing off how packed his Virginia church was — and vowing to keep preaching “unless I’m in jail or the hospital. 
• In Korea most cases of coronavirus have been linked to a church that has coincidentally banned health masks. Famous patient 31 was also part of that church. 

Why is that though? Is religion always destined to fight science? Many people say no. We used to say that nowadays religion is not opposed to knowledge and that knowledge and faith can co-exist, but here we are again, visiting a similar boxring. 

I think it can be summarised to the following. That preacher in Virginia said  ““I am essential,” he said when he decided to keep his church open, “I’m a preacher — I talk to God!”. 

I am essential. This hits the nail on the head for why the churches aren’t closing. They want to feel essential and insist that they are; that they are special and different not just from other businesses but other religions as well. In the process, they make a global problem all about them. 

You are going to wonder: Engineers, musicians, economologists, mathematicians, chemists, programmers, plumbers, bakerers no one can go to work and they can all make arguments about how they are essential to the well-being of society. They just accepted that right now there is something more important than then. Why is the church causing all that ruckus? 

I will make an argument that religion has decided to die on that hill for the following reasons:

• There is a natural competition: Religion, science and art, all claim to ease human suffering, provide happiness or be places where humans are looking for answers. 
• Religion acts like money as they are both faith based systems. Science and art is for religion the equivalent of counterfeit money, therefore it cannot easily tolerate them.

I will also make an attempt to identify  against science due to core differences in their core DNA, as well as philosophies in life.

Ignoramus

Modern science is based on the Latin injunction ignoramus – ‘we do not know’. It assumes that we don’t know everything. It’s the willingness to admit ignorance. Even more critically, it accepts that the things that we think we know could be proven wrong as we gain more knowledge. No concept, idea or theory is sacred and beyond challenge.

One difference between religion and science is that science assumes humankind does not know the answers to many of life’s biggest questions. Religion, however, assumes that the important stuff is already known. 

This is of the core distinction between religion and science. Science believes in progress, religion believes that we are already there. Science wants to explore, religion wants to stay home. Science is looking for answers in data, religion in the wisdom of a supreme being. Science believes (pun intended) that opinions should be scrutinised, current theories should be challenged and that people’s authority adds nothing: It’s only data that matters. Everything is accepted only after proof has been presented. Religion has at its core that the gospel shouldn’t be challenged, no proof is required only faith and it’s all based on the unchallenged authority of people who speak on behalf of God. 

Pay attention, religion doesn’t say that we know everything. It claims that we already know everything we need to know. The rest is either out of limits or no concern of ours. It doesn’t matter whether your discovery directly contradicts the existence of God. Your sin is that by looking for more answers, you declare the gospel inadequate. Does it make sense now why religion was so adamantly against, phenomenally, innocent claims like Galileo’s? You want to say that Earth is round and not at the centre of the universe? This is not included in the gospels, are you saying you are better than them?

Okay, fine. There are definitely points of contest. However, people don’t have to look for answers in only one place. Science may not include God, but certainly does not contradict him.  The fact that silver has value doesn’t make gold have any less value.  Why can’t we all just get along? The problem with religion is that it doesn’t act like a rare mineral, but it acts more like money and science, as well as art, is equivalent to counterfeit money: It threatens all money.

Money, money, money

Take a money bill out of your pocket and have a look at it. How much do you think is actually worth? Right answer is nothing. Money has value only because we believe it has value. From one point of view, you may call it a giant conspiracy. 

Religion is remarkably similar to money. It is important, because we believe it is important. They are both self-referencing systems. A church is a church, because we believe it is a church. It’s what makes us see a priest talking to god, instead of an old man talking to an empty room in archaic rhymes. If there is no faith there is no magic. Take a christian to a budhist temple. They may appreciate the intricacies of Asian art, take photos in front of a Bhuda, may even feel a sense of peace due to the tranquility that usually resides within these temples. However, they will not feel any of the devoutness or sanctity they feel in a christian temple. They will have respect, but no venerance. 

Basically, all they will see is a nice place to have a lunch break, not a holy site. The faith is not there and thus the magic is gone. 

Time travel

There is a priest and a dentist who are friends going together in latin classes. One day on their way back home they time travel to Rome of emperor Tiberius in 20AD. The dentist was on his way to propose so he has an engagement ring in their pocket and the priest has some money. After the initial sock, they realise that at least they can speak the language thanks to their Latin classes and they try to make a living. 

Very quickly they realise that thanks to their classes they can speak the language and they try to make a living. Soon, they realise a discrepancy in their ability to adapt to the new environment. The dentist’s engagement ring is made out of gold and a diamond, he is able to sell it for a hefty sum of drachmas. With that he opens up shop. Even though he lacks his tools, he is still able to offer his services. On a more basic level, but still it’s worlds ahead compared to what Athenians had available to them at the time. 

The priest has more of an uphill battle. He has US dollars in his pocket. In 2020 they are the most powerful currency in 480 BC it’s just paper. He tries to preach but with very limited success. People already have their religion and the idea of a single God seems plain ridiculous. He doesn’t really manage and to cope he tries to ask for tax exemptions and for the government to pay his salary but he is met with laughter: Who is this charlatan speaking nonsense about something called christianity? Having a profession doesn’t mean you are forsaking your duties as a citizen – Athenians take these things seriously. 

This is an example of how certain things have value, because they are rare or because they alleviate pain among others. Take religion out of context though and you are not left with much.

One fake money and ALL money loses value.

The thing with money is that there can be only one: You can’t have more in a country. Otherwise, it erodes the faith we have in our currency and, remember, money is all based on faith. Without it, all you are holding in your pocket are pieces of paper with complicated patterns. 

One of the most severely punishable offences is making counterfeit money. It’s one of the few ones that you get punished whether you are rich or poor. States don’t joke around with that. Stealing money, just means money changes hands in an illegal way. The money is still there. Making counterfeit money though, means potentially all money could lose its value. 

That’s the key: Money can’t afford to allow the existence of other money. It’s not euclidean geometry which has no issues with non-euclidean geometry, or statistics not having friction with jazz music, painters getting along fine with photographers. All of the above have merit on their own. Money doesn’t. It’s all based on faith and just like religion it cannot afford to make compromises.

Hang on you will say: There is not one type of currency in the world. There are around 150 countries that give or take each have its own money. How do different currencies co-exist? Short answer is that they don’t co-exist. Not really:

• From the point of view of the average citizen – remember this is a faith based system – each country acts as its own separate bubble, where the currency is not really challenged. Just like a Christian pastor in Dakota, is not really bothered by a Muslim Imam of Cairo. They don’t compete over the same congregation. 
• On the international level, these different faiths recognise the superiority of one currency supreme: The US dollar. So, it’s not like they are co-existing; it’s more like you worship Hermes, I worship Athena, but we all recognise the authority of Zeus. There is no religious equivalent to that since religions don’t have to trade, but if it did , there would be a similar pecking order. 

Just like  for governments money should come only from official authority, religion claims that knowledge should only come from the gospel. If anyone can print money, then our trust in them starts eroding, money stops being special, the line between currency and pretty paper becomes dangerously thin. So, there can be only one…

In the end is all about beating the competition

Hang on you will say. Can’t all this be resolved if religion simply reduced its portfolio? Nowadays there is still value in messages about compassion, empathy and communication. Humanity’s needs for a moral compass hasn’t really changed. Can’t religion say something like: I am here to give spiritual guidance and leave the material questions for the rest.

Well, it’s not that simple:If you have made claims that you have all the answers and nothing else is important, then anything else is a challenge to your authority and, let’s be honest, to your income. 

Furthemore, how would you present changes in the dogma? You have already written yourself into a corner by claiming holy origin to your gospel. What happened, God sent a follow-up? And in the end what would be your motive? If people are looking elsewhere for answers, it also means they are spending money in other places. Money that could have spent on you?

In the end it comes down to money and power. Beating the competition. When the Taliban invaded Pakistan they banned music, TV, dancing and education. Anything that can potentially ease mankind’s suffering or make them think about other things is a distraction. A potential competition. 

There is this old greek movie, where a doctor arrives in a remote village where, up until then, a woman who was something of a local witch has set up shop. There is a natural conflict between them, even though in theory there shouldn’t. However, each recognises its natural competition. 

Hipppocrates scoring 1-0

Since this text started about Coronavirus, we can wrap it up with Coronavirus. This pandemic signified a huge milestone for mankind. For the first time in its history, all humanity globally turned to doctors for its saving. The vast majority of governments declared that churches should close, but hospitals should remain open. After millenia of litanies, exorcism and prayers this is a big step forward for humanity. 

In the past, the best minds of the day worked on finding ways to give meaning to death. Today, our best minds work on preventing death. It took quite a long time but it seems that humanity finally realised that the ones who can save them are the ones dressed in white, not the ones dressed in black. Just like in the movies. It also means that after many, many centuries, that guy from Kos island scored Hippocrates scored a much, much deserved point.

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Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry’s standard dummy text ever since the 1500s, when an unknown printer took a galley of type and scrambled it to make a type specimen book. It has survived not only five centuries, but also the leap into electronic typesetting, remaining essentially unchanged. It was popularised in the 1960s with the release of Letraset sheets containing Lorem Ipsum passages, and more recently with desktop publishing software like Aldus PageMaker including versions of Lorem Ipsum.

Contrary to popular belief, Lorem Ipsum is not simply random text. It has roots in a piece of classical Latin literature from 45 BC, making it over 2000 years old. Richard McClintock, a Latin professor at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia, looked up one of the more obscure Latin words, consectetur, from a Lorem Ipsum passage, and going through the cites of the word in classical literature, discovered the undoubtable source. Lorem Ipsum comes from sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 of “de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum” (The Extremes of Good and Evil) by Cicero, written in 45 BC. This book is a treatise on the theory of ethics, very popular during the Renaissance. The first line of Lorem Ipsum, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..”, comes from a line in section 1.10.32.

Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry’s standard dummy text ever since the 1500s, when an unknown printer took a galley of type and scrambled it to make a type specimen book. It has survived not only five centuries, but also the leap into electronic typesetting, remaining essentially unchanged. It was popularised in the 1960s with the release of Letraset sheets containing Lorem Ipsum passages, and more recently with desktop publishing software like Aldus PageMaker including versions of Lorem Ipsum.

Contrary to popular belief, Lorem Ipsum is not simply random text. It has roots in a piece of classical Latin literature from 45 BC, making it over 2000 years old. Richard McClintock, a Latin professor at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia, looked up one of the more obscure Latin words, consectetur, from a Lorem Ipsum passage, and going through the cites of the word in classical literature, discovered the undoubtable source. Lorem Ipsum comes from sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 of “de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum” (The Extremes of Good and Evil) by Cicero, written in 45 BC. This book is a treatise on the theory of ethics, very popular during the Renaissance. The first line of Lorem Ipsum, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..”, comes from a line in section 1.10.32.

Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry’s standard dummy text ever since the 1500s, when an unknown printer took a galley of type and scrambled it to make a type specimen book. It has survived not only five centuries, but also the leap into electronic typesetting, remaining essentially unchanged. It was popularised in the 1960s with the release of Letraset sheets containing Lorem Ipsum passages, and more recently with desktop publishing software like Aldus PageMaker including versions of Lorem Ipsum.

Contrary to popular belief, Lorem Ipsum is not simply random text. It has roots in a piece of classical Latin literature from 45 BC, making it over 2000 years old. Richard McClintock, a Latin professor at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia, looked up one of the more obscure Latin words, consectetur, from a Lorem Ipsum passage, and going through the cites of the word in classical literature, discovered the undoubtable source. Lorem Ipsum comes from sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 of “de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum” (The Extremes of Good and Evil) by Cicero, written in 45 BC. This book is a treatise on the theory of ethics, very popular during the Renaissance. The first line of Lorem Ipsum, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..”, comes from a line in section 1.10.32.